2025 is the year of AI. The year you can get a flying taxi in Dubai. The year robots have evolved from vacuum cleaners to an existential threat.
As a species, we’re the most technologically advanced we’ve ever been.
And yet recruiters still can’t update the f**king database. See, recruiters are a species all of their own. Especially the recruiters in your business.
You’d think shouting “If it’s not on the database it didn’t happen” in someone’s ear, everyday, repeatedly, for ten years would help it sink in.
Apparently not.
You’d think the threat of withholding commission might work.
Nope.
Maybe it’s because you’re not familiar with the species that habitate your office? If so, let’s take a closer look and see if there’s a common theme for them falling foul of the industry’s worst crime.
The lesser spotted top biller
This alpha beast is far too full of pomp to lower themselves to something as ordinary and degrading as data entry.
See, the trouble is, the more deals they do… (and they do a lot) the more data there is to enter.
“Surely this is a task for someone with lower fiscal prowess?” they cry in the dusky light of their second 7am start this week sipping wheat grass, or espresso, or gin.
You’ll usually find a lesser-spotted top biller displaying their plumage for other beta characters to admire. They assert their dominance by wafting last month’s pay cheque atop the highest point in the wilderness… like their rival’s desk, or the one, non-squeaky swivel chair they’ve claimed as their own.
The mimicking parrot bill
What’s great about the mimicking parrot bill, is they copy everything your lesser-spotted top biller does. They mimic their voice, their over-familiar style with clients, their bravado with candidates. Even their smell. Opting for a slightly cheaper, but just as pungent aroma to attract a mate.
The bad thing about the mimicking parrot bill is they copy everything the lesser-spotted top biller does. Except billings.
Which means they don’t update the database, because the lesser-spotted top biller doesn’t. Sadly, they also don’t have the fantastic plumage to make up for it.
The small-billed warbler
A small-billed warbler can be detected by their moany, low-pitched monotonous call. You’ll normally find them wailing about inexplicably building a nest beneath the one-flickering light in an otherwise, well-lit office.
Whatever prey they stumble upon is usually very small. Typically not enough to stretch beyond their next meal.
Which they eat in solitude, in the kitchen with personal plastic cutlery they bring in and take home everyday.
The Small-Billed Warbler marks their territory with laminated name stickers on mugs and utensils. Sadly, they hold so little threat to the rest of the jungle, these warnings are blatantly ignored.
The small-billed warbler takes so much time perfecting their ineffective call, they simply have no time left to ponder updating the database.
And even if they did, it’d be pretty negative stuff.
The painted peacock
For a painted peacock to thrive, they have to be the prettiest animal in their entire habitat.
And so, to that end, they spend their entire year plucking, pruning and perfecting their appearance.
You’ll find both male and female painted peacocks thrive with other, strictly non-available members of the opposite sex in close quarters.
The Painted Peacock is usually wheeled out for client meetings with older predatory animals, where they can be a silent pretty face to warm up relations.
Unfortunately, choosing an inappropriate LinkedIn profile photo takes up so much time, updating the database is on the back burner. Hey, maybe next year?
The busy bumbler
Busy, busy, busy.
The busy bumbler sure is busy.
Sadly, they’re busy with just about anything other than their actual job.
You’ll spot a busy bumbler by the unmistakable buzz that follows the blur of them flying round the office. They finish their calls with “bye bye bye bye bye”. The more byes, and quicker the delivery, the busier they are.
It’s incredibly important you know how busy they are. Despite this particular call routine actually taking more time than just saying bye, slowly, once.
The good news is, the busy bumbler is the only species in your office who actually does fill out the database.
The bad news is they have anything of note to report.
Still, writing “LMTCB” 100 times is a great way to spend 4 hours, isn’t it?
If these species sound and look familiar to you, there’s every chance you could do with some better ways to coax your recruiters in to filling out the database.
And for that, nothing beats this.
